body positivity, health, weight loss

Two Months As A Diabetic

Two months ago I received the news that I have Type 2 Diabetes. For me it was shocking news. I was already on a high dosage of Metformin for my PCOS, but still, my A1C came back and it was not good.

After hearing this news I went into a little emotional tailspin. As much as I had always thought of myself as being body positive, I didn’t realize how much of it I was still basing on my health and how “healthy” I was. I was holding onto this shred of false dignity like, “You can hate my body all you want but I’m actually healthy so you’re wrong about me, jerk.”

It took my diagnosis to realize that regardless of how one looks or how “healthy” they are, they are still worthy of love and respect. I was still internalizing so much negative, body-shaming bullshit and honestly didn’t realize it. So the diagnosis was a massive wake up call.

SO, where am I now?

Well, I’m still in the beginning stages of living as a diabetic. I have good fasting blood sugar days and I have bad ones. Some days my FBS is around 128 – 130 (still high but closer to normal), and some days (like today) my FBS is 149. My pancreas is trying and my Metformin is trying to help it along, but it’s a battle.

I hesitate to discuss my weight because it’s such a touchy subject for a lot of people, but as a diabetic one of the best ways I can help my pancreas is to lose weight through mindful dietary changes and increased exercise. I’ve been doing both of those things and today I’ve officially lost 30 lbs since my diagnosis. The weight loss has not as of yet affected my FBS or other diabetic complications, but it’s going to take time. I just have to soldier on.

When people ask me if I have a weight loss goal I feel sort of icky answering that question. I wish the question was less about my weight loss goal and more about my life goal, because I have a distinct answer for that.

My goal is to reverse my diabetes type 2. It is possible. And I want to do it. And I believe I can. And I will do what I have to do to that end. And if in that process my BMI decreases, then so be it. But, it’s not about my weight or my size.

So, no, I don’t have a concrete weight loss goal and I don’t want to. I just want to live and live well. That is the goal that matters most to me. And while I do get a little tingle when I hit the scale and can see the numerical evidence that all my hard work is paying off, what excites me even more than that is the days where I take my FBS and it’s either in the normal range or close to it. That right there is all the goals I really need.

I feel like I’m in a good place emotionally with my diabetes. In the very beginning it felt like this big, looming death sentence, but actually it’s quite livable. I try to stay away from carbs, as few sugars as possible, and I exercise. I count my calories and carbs every day, I take my meds, and I hold my head up high. That’s the best I can do and having now done it for the last two months, I find it isn’t nearly as scary or difficult as I thought it would be.

I want to check in like this with you every few months, but something I won’t be doing is “before/after” photos. I thought about this long and hard and I just don’t want to send that kind of message out. I know how defeating it feels for me when I see dramatic weight loss before and after photos and I can’t stand the thought of doing that to someone else. So, that’s not going to happen. I hope you understand.

I’ll be back with another update in a few months. So far all is well. And I believe if I keep trying and don’t give up all will continue to be well.

Until next time.

๐Ÿ’œ

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