Bereavement, cancer, self care

I’m Not Sorry

Today is the two year anniversary of my mother’s passing. Leading up to her death-iversary is always difficult. It was made even more difficult by the fight we had with Virginia the last few weeks. I felt like I barely had time to prepare my heart for the incoming surge of grief. I had to set it all aside to save our finances and our future.

And in the midst of this I couldn’t write. I just could not do it. I was giving my words away to Instagram, where you may know I do most of my writing/posting anyways, but sitting down and working out something longer was damn near impossible. I knew I didn’t have it in me to give you all over a thousand words of emotion because I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t. So, I didn’t.

And I am not sorry.

When my mom passed away two years ago, I spent a lot of time immediately following apologizing to friends and family for not being at my best. There were a lot of, “I’m so sorry for not responding to this text. I’m so sorry for not calling you back. I’m so sorry for cancelling this playdate.”

I very much could not handle the grief and the social responsibilities at the same time, so I chose the grief and the bereavement first. If you’ve been following me these last two years you know that meant bereavement counseling and a LOT of soul searching and soul care. And over time I learned I didn’t have to apologize to people for the inconvenience of my sorrow.

So, I’m not sorry I haven’t written here as recently as I like to. I’m not sorry this time of year is difficult because her death-iversary comes less than a week after my birthday every year. I’m not sorry that I fully explore my grief when this season comes around and I’m not sorry for knowing that this is the only way I can survive it.

I’m not sorry for grieving. And I hope, if and when you lose someone you love, you will have the courage to know you don’t have to apologize for it either.

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